This is me

Well first off, Hi Im Elsa. I live in a small town in South Africa. And Im 17 going for 18 in 2 months.
Im inlove with one of my best friends and that was far most the worst part/and best of being gay.
I found out I was gay in grade 7 when a girl walked into the class room and I thought man shes beautiful but it was not just that i caught myself staring at her. All the time.

Back then I did nothing about it, I never talked to her. Just secretly think shes the most amazing person ever to exist on the face of the earth.
But I got scared, I was really really really unpopular and that meant I had to hide this, or Ill just make it worse.
And it got to me, you feel like you want something so bad/ a hug, a touch even words from her could send me flying. But you may not have it.
It got me crying at night in my room just hugging my pillow, too afraid to cry out loud.

I made the worst friends, the type your mom warns you about. I never did anything bad with them.
And Grade 8 came.

The High School was on the same plot as the Primary school just a road separating them.
Life kinda was heading down the same road. No one had a clue and I did not tell anyone.
But then we moved.

It was a much bigger town with 3 schools. The first day at school was hard I did not fit in. But at least no one knew my past. I met a guy and we became friends but more like just talking buddies.
And I sat in his group but I was not talking. I started liking this other girl her name was Lene.
She sat next to me in math and she would sometimes be in my group.

I did nothing not a single thing other than talking. Gr 8 came and we end up in different classes.
And in my Language class I sat next to a Lente that directly translate to Spring(like season) or Length. She just grabbed my hand and pulled me into her group.

After a while I made some good girl friends. And Lente discovered that I was gay when she caught me starring at a very attractive girl in our class(all the time).And instantly told my other 2 best friends. I freaked out completely. Ran to the bathroom and waited there till the period was over. It was break time and my friends came into the bathroom and told me its OK they wont tell. And they did not. I slowly got the courage to tell more and more people at school. But not my sisters or family..

After a while my dad got me in a corner about my sexuality and I just said yess. He cried and prayed and prayed and told me we could get through this together.

But 3/4 through the year my dad lost his job and we had to move back to the small town. When I got back my friends all moved but one. I made tons of new female friends( the kids that were new and didint know my past execept 1) I told my friends and they were cool with it.(Grade 9) There was a new girl I liked and i sended her a card for Valintine's day with only E on the bottom. She was one of my friends and knew I was gay. So she later on questioned me about it in front of everyone. And just like that Everyone knew

But she said no. A Year went by and I became friends with a group and there was this one girl....
She just had something so special about her. She had the most beautiful eyes. And she had the most perfect personality. We became very good friends and she had a boyfriend. I fell hard like really really hard for her. I supported her in her sport and we were hanging out much. A year later I could not hold it in anymore..........
I told her, she well just reminded me she was so straight she makes a ruler seems crooked. And that she knew, and that she knew you does not choose who u love. She also told me it does not change a thing in our friendship.

Im still very very in love with her and Im currently in Grade 12. We both have plans to go to different places after this year so that is going to be the end of our friendship. I have not liked another girl since i fell for her. I've never been kissed. Never had my first dance. Never held a girls hand.
It crushes me to see her with her boyfriend( a new one)
And its gonna break me when the year ends.
If i could describe how I feel about her for her, I would.
I just want to hug her and never let go.

Why I started this Blog

Well, Its been a hard long road since i realized that i was gay.

I want to share my feeling and problems with the world.

Giving hope to all Gays and hopefully share what I have learned.